Cheese On Bread is at the grocery store to buy an onion. Cheese On Bread is holding the onion, and waiting in queue behind a little old lady with a cart full of food. After 10 minutes, it's finally the little old lady's turn at the check-out counter, when she turns around and sees Cheese On Bread holding an onion.

"S'that all ya got?!??" she shrieks.

"Yup!" replies Cheese On Bread.

"Well Christ! Get in front of me!" she guffaws.

"Oh Jeez! Thanks so much!"

"That's my good deed for the day!"

Cheese On Bread pays for the onion, which costs 33 cents. There is no discernable "cent" sign on the keyboard.

Cheese On Bread leaves the grocery store (or, the grocer), sits on the sidewalk, peels the onion, and munches into it. Cheese On Bread is enjoying the onion, when who should come walking down the street but Huggabroomstik.

"Hi Huggabroomstik!"

"Hi Cheese On Bread! Oh hey, Cheese On Bread. I was thinking about you the other day."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was thinking...and I realized...we share a Dibs."

"Really?"

Cheese On Bread and Huggabroomstik look down to discover that, all along, they were attached by a common Dibs.

"Goodness!" yelps Cheese On Bread. "Anatomically inFEASible!"

Huggabroomstik looks penetratingly into Cheese On Bread's girlish eyes. "No matter what happens," says Huggabroomstik, "...we'll always have Dibs."

"We can't get ourselves severed?" asks Cheese On Bread.

"No, that would destroy the Dibs."

"Ah."

"Yes."

"Well how do I go to the bathroom?"

"Well, I'll just have to close my eyes or something."

"Gross!"

THE END.

I've been getting lots of emails from Cheese On Bread friends. Most people say things like: "Wow, what does Dibson Hoffweiler do when he is not eating cheese sandwiches, talking to his roommate, or performing with cheese on bread?" Rather than write back to everyone I decided it would be best to just answer some of the most popular question here.

The question above came from Jared in Omaha. It's a fair question. Despite what the 'Team' page says, I am no longer the Cheese On Bread intern, so I no longer carry forty ounce liquor around for the band, unless I'm to partake of it myself (with the rest of the band of course). And even then, I don't let nobody boss me around, if I don't want to carry it, I'll just make the new intern carry it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I am still in school. I go to a fine instuiton of higher learning, and I've been studying a lot of computer science. This semester I'm taking a course in computer graphics. My work is fascinating, if you ask nicely I'll let you see some of it. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll just let you all see it. I don't want emails asking about it. It is http://home.nyu.edu/~dth215/Graphics04/. There are also some SECRET APPLETS that one, Casey Holford, was able to find. But I won't be telling you where those are. You can find them yourself or ask Casey.

Another reader, John, writes: "is that dibs, ilke ' i got dibs' or is it spelled with two bs dibbs???/" My name, as you should be able to clear see, is spelled with only one 'B'. And while it is spelled like "I got dibs," that is a different dibs. My name is Dibs, which is short for Dibson. The name is like Gibson, but with a 'D' instead of a 'G'. Please don't ask me anymore about my name. It is insulting. I wouldn't write to you and say "Is that john, like 'I'm going to use the john' or is it spelled with two 'H's 'John'?" Or to put it another way, "I don't swim in your toilet, please don't pee in my pool."

Lastly, I will take a question from my most persistant fan, whose name is Dan. Dan writes:

anyone up for a NOVEMBER 13 show in DC???

xoxo

d

Dan - I realize I am no longer the intern, so I should have more responsibilities now. But now that I am "in the band" you need to realize that I am very busy with lots of other things. Clearly, I have to handle a lot of emails. I don't need crazed fans setting us up with gigs. If you would like us to play in DC you should perhaps email the person that does all the booking for the band. That is not my job. But I would love to play a show in DC.

I have many more emails to attend to privately. So I will do that at present. If you have something important to say, please write me at dibson@gmail.com . But make sure the question wasn't already answered above. I will also be available *in person* to answer question twice this weekend. At the Rotunda this Friday night, for approximately 25 minutes after I perform with Cheese On Bread. And also in New Hope, Saturday night. I can do signatures upon request, or if you'd like to just touch my hand, you can do that too, just keep it brief. Photographs are right out.

See you this weekend and in email everybody.
Yours,
Dibson T Hoffweiler

I was just talking to my roommate, Misha. He said if you scaled an atom so that the nucleus was the size of a grape, the electrons surrounding it would be two football fields away. And you wouldn't be able to see them, they'd be too small. So the atom is a lot of empty space, because there is nothing between the nucleus and the electrons.

Do what you will with that.

-out of sheer laziness, i'm letting my hair grow a bit. i fear it's becoming a mullet. my head is too verticle for a mullet.

-i'm hard at work preparing the new, full-evening version of boi with an i. when i wrote it, it felt jubilant and funny. when i read it out loud, it feels incredibly sad. i need to fix this within the next 38 hours.

-our new drummer gregg is the coolest. i'm sad he won't be at our new hope show.

-what ever happened to daoud? has anyone talked to him?

-i realized i sorta use this journal as a performance update checkllist. that is so boring.

-here's something i never want to do: spend lots of money to make my house really comfortable, and then work all the time to make money to afford all the comfort, which i cannot experience, because i'm at work making money.

-my soy milk went bad, even though the expiration date is in november. i had to throw away a heaping bowl of good friends cereal. i love good friends.

-i can't wait for the next c.o.b. show. the more i focus on theater, the more i want to just rock out. (conversely, the more i rock out, the more i want to just sit in a spotlight and talk.)

-my brother taught me how to play samurai on the piano. it's very carpenters.

-yesterday, when i left work, it was brisk outside, and the air tasted like fall. that was the one thing i loved about college. campus looked and felt so gorgeous in the fall. i was always excited about classes and books, after 3 long months of idiocy. i finally got to wear jackets and blazers, and hug my books to my chest like marcia brady. and i still get to do that, only i don't get graded, and new york (oddly enough) isn't as pretty as college green. i need to visit penn and roll around on the grass.

-everyone is so melancholic lately. let's all cuddle.

dood, you'd think that with over half a dozen people having access to this blog, it'd get updated more. but when so much of your job has to do with promoting yourself, sometimes the last thing you want to do is talk about what you've been doing :)

instead, a link:

http://www.explodingdog.com/january2/isthatit.html

xoxo
d